I've decided to participate in Radical Self-Love Month on iCiNG. I think Gala Darling is a genius for coming up with the idea! She is also super adorable!
I have to say this past week I've been having a few less than sterling days. I'd been feeling uninspired during practise sessions and had a general feeling of listlessness. It all came to a head on Thursday last week when I had what I later realised was PMS combined with the sort of day where you get out of the shower only to realise that you should've washed your hair. Needless to say I wasn't feeling great. I wasn't certain what I was going to do this year as I had gotten a phone call the day before saying that there was some confusion as to what I was actually planning on doing this year. Apparently there had been some misunderstandings and now there was some uncertainty as to whether I'd be able to go into the third year of the Bachelor of Music as I had intended to do. I went into uni on the Thursday with the intention of talking with the head of strings at the conservatorium. I wasn't looking forward to it because I wasn't feeling very reasonable. The last thing I wanted to do was throw a tantrum. :P So I had a meeting with the head of strings. Actually I had two, one in the morning, one in the afternoon, both very informal (one in my practise room, the other in the hallway) to discuss what I'd be doing this year. In the end he suggested that it might be better for me to do single studies (doing select units rather than all the units which are part of a bachelor) instead of the bachelor. At first I was a bit taken aback. Did they think I wasn't good enough? But the more I thought about it the more I liked the idea. The reason I am deferring the final year of my bachelor of education is to get better at playing the viola. If I do single studies and just have lessons and participate in ensembles I will have way more time to practise than if I do the full bachelor programme which includes history, aural, harmony and a few other things. Now I'm really excited for the year. I'm planning on practising 6 hours a day (minimum). A year to just practise! :D I told my viola teacher and he said that sounded like Paradise! I want to start with my practise regime next week (if I'm not doing the bachelor there is not much point in sticking to normal semester times and the sooner I start with my ultra-charged practise the better!). No more holidays for me! And what better way to kickstart this fresh new year than by participating in Radical Self-Love Month? I am certain I will need to love myself and be happy with me and all my strength in kicking off my new regime. It won't be easy but I believe that I can do it!
I mentioned before that I was feeling kind of down on Thursday. Apart from the happiness that stemmed from knowing that I would have a year to just practise (Yay!) I was still feeling a little lethargic yesterday and today. However, then a few things happened that lifted my mood. :) Firstly, I got the latest Gala's Guide to Radical Self Love blog in my inbox. It contained a video with the first assignment. I had to find a journal and write down a mantra for radical self love month and also find a totem. I scrounged around my room. There were plenty of journals but none that didn't already have something in it. I wanted a completely new journal. So I went to the local newsagent and bought a journal. Just a generic exercise book. I didn't really need anything fancy so I got a lined exercise book with 96 pages. I don't care what it looks like on the outside, it's what's on the inside that counts. :P While I was there I bought two more of the same exercise book to use during the year as I plan out my practise sessions and work out the best way to keep myself motivated and not waste this precious year. I also bought a lot of butterfly stickers. I thought I might decorate the outside of the journal with them. Gala calls it the Radical Self Love Bible. :D But then I realised that the plain exterior of my Radical Self Love Bible makes what's inside it all the more exciting! Like a delicious little secret. Next I tried to think of my mantra. I was having trouble defining my thoughts. I was still feeling a little out of sorts and not sure what to do. Sure, I want to love myself, but that seemed a little broad. I've been getting better at loving myself in general anyway, so I wanted something a little more specific. I had less trouble finding a totem to remind myself of my mantra and to love myself! I got a heart shaped mirror from Ikea for my birthday from one of my friends. At the time my room was too messy to find any room for it so I left it in its wrapping and put it on my desk on top of other stuff. But a few weeks ago I finally cleaned my room properly. And then today I unpacked the mirror and propped it up on my desk. I love it! It reflects the ceiling when I'm sitting in my bed and looks quite glowy and magical! :) When I'm standing directly in front of it it reflects my tummy and thighs which made me smile when I first realised it, because those are the parts of me I'm most critical about. However it's difficult to criticise anything that is reflected in a heart shaped mirror. I have to bend down a little to see my face reflected in the mirror, or sit down, but that's ok.
So, next I really had to come up with a mantra. I decided to read through the comments people left after Gala's video. And sure enough I found my inspiration in things that two other people put as their mantra. I don't remember who wrote the comments and I'm too tired to check. (I'm sorry.) But I ended up with writing "Be You. Find You. Be Happy With That." At the top of the page in pink pen. Then I stuck a pink metallic butterfly sticker underneath that. Further down the page I wrote: "Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could. - Louise Erdrich". Both those things struck a chord with me when I first read them. I need to be myself and be aware that being myself, finding myself, knowing who I am is good enough for me to be happy. I should be happy with who I am. If I am not I need to find out why and strive to improve myself, or learn to love myself with all my imperfections. Above all I have to be myself. The paragraph by Louise Erdrich really made an impression on me. I have a tendency to be very cautious when it comes to love, maybe overly so. I've been told this is partially because I am a Cancer. I chose to write the paragraph in my Radical Self Love Bible to remind myself to let go and love. And to taste all the apples I can. :) So that is the very start of this Radical Self Love Month. I am excited to see how it goes from here.
Anyway, I mentioned that a few things happened to cheer me up. :) The first was the above mentioned video by Gala Darling. The second was that I read my horoscope for February on Susan Miller's Astrology Zone. And boy does February look like a good month! Just reading the forecast made me smile. :) Even if it does not all go as great as the forecast predicts knowing that there is a chance that it might made me feel better. I especially like what she wrote about Valentine's day: "You seem to have everything going for you, for on February 14, the moon will be in the divine-for-Cancer sign of Pisces, and Venus, Jupiter, and the moon will all be hugging each other closely in a near-perfect alignment. This is so remarkable that if you are single, you must promise me you will circulate." ... you must promise me you will circulate. I find this so endearing. Actually, in the entire forecast Susan Miller seems genuinely excited about the exciting and great month she is predicting for all cancers out there. It's so sweet. :D And then I read my crushe's forecast, as one does. :P The month also looks great for him, if slightly differently. I already had a grin on my face from reading my forecast and reading all the success that might potentially be coming his way made me smile more because I will be very happy for him if he does get success! :) I strongly suggest you go read your forecast this months. The planets seem to be in great alignment for all star signs and reading a favourable horoscope is always a great pick-me-up. :D
Another thing that cheered me up was talking online with friends. And receiving a text message from a friend thanking me for the "sweet text message" I'd sent her. :D And tomorrow I'm going to a lovely lovely friend's wedding ceremony. I am so happy for her. Not quite sure what I'll wear yet. I'll figure something out... Truly life has many good things to be happy about. The future looks great. And I can't wait to "circulate" on Valentine's Day. :P